hatred is better than sympathy

Throughout  my life I have been gone through
the so called sympathetic emotions. Whether
it was a personal lose or during the time
of rejection by some people, it has been the same.
When you are young, you don't realise and start
thinking of them as well wisher or friend. But that
pachantantra story is correct, the time of crisis,
you see yourself alone. None, practically none
around you.  You then realise they were never
around you, you pretend  to tell your heart as
if they are there! Its completely my fault. I wish
it would  have been far better, having some true
hatred from some people; as in that case I wouldn't
have gone through such humiliation. I made fool
of myself again again. There is no way I can reboot
my memory or delete some parts of that. I have to
carry this baggage through out my life. The cost
of this is far more than thinkable as I lost the meaning
of word 'friend' or well wisher. When I think back, I can
see how I gave all my wishes for some friends and then
they never ever thought of that way and was always sympathetic.
Everyday I pray to delete those humiliation; may be
I would have felt blessed if I was gifted with hatred rather
than those humiliating sympathy.

दिलके जहाँ में ख्वाबोंके परिंदे अगर उड़ना चे तो उसे उड़ने  दो

kuchh chise budi adat ban jati hai,
aur use jindegibhar dhona padta hai.
akhirkar hum adatse majbur hai. 

If something happens to you once, it might not happen again;
but if it happens twice then it will happen again.
 

किसी ना किसीके बिना चलनेका नामही जिंदगी है

Pappu Can't dance sala

Its a amazing "Sourabh Shukla movie" with very good
kailash kher song. I love Vinay pathak in almost
all his movies but this time I really liked Neha dhupia's
act. She started it from "ek chalis ka last local" but this
time she is too good. The story and small cameo but Nasir
sahab with some beautiful dialogue made it a perfect creation.
The only thing that did not suit is the title "Pappu Can't dance sala"
as it does not tell anything! Given a choice I would have named it
like "Do Jindagi" or "ek nadi do par" :D

नींदहितो है !
जरुरी नहीं की हर रात आयेगी.

माना की बों बड़े आदमी हैं,
जरुरी नहीं की बड़े आदमी की सारी सही हो!

मनके सारे दर्द बांटे नहीं जाते
कुछ घओंकी तिस अकेलिही सहनी पड़ती है. 

Often in life you don't want to accept someone
or something. Down the line you get bonded
deep in the roots. I feel for him today when
I have to leave him. He was the best thing happened
in my life, I dreamt of. I don't know if I can
say this someday in a different way but yes
I feel humbled, blessed and at the same time very
sad. I pray for all good luck for him.

I wait, wait and wait..
the drop from the heaven would come to me.
I walk, I wait; I run I wait; I sleep I wait.

I found myself fighting too much.
I should sleep.
I feel being  cheated  by life.
I am decaying very fast from my inside.
I want this to end fast.
I am don't have much to fight with.
I want to sleep for ever.
I don't want to see the next sun
as it will again bring a hope which
will  again end with a hopeless sunset.

में बहुत साल से खुले हँसा नहीं हूँ!
....
....

...
  बहोत साल दिल्ली में बारिश नहीं हुई,
मगर जब हुई तो बाड़ आगयी !

जिंदगी की गली 

जिंदगी एक गली जैसी है. सुबह गली में जब
लोग आतें हैं, मंडी लगती हैं तो इनता भीर रहता है.
ओव्ही गली रात तो कितना शुना लगता है.
जिंदगी में भी कभी कभी भीर में अपनेको धुन्दना मुश्किल
पड़ता है !
और खबी खबी ओव्ही जिंदगी रात के जैसे सन्नाटे से छाये
जाती है. 

टूटी पतंग 

छोटूसा था वो ! दिलभी थोडा छोटा; नहीं उसकी कोई गलती नहीं है.

पतंग उदानेका बहुत शौख  था उसको नाह!

१५ पैसे की पतंग बोह्भी टुटा हुआ, वैसे २५ पैसे! 

ओह अपना मन बनालेता चलो टूटी पतंग कोही जोर के उड़ायेंगे! 

इसलिए वो  अपनी तिफ्फिन का इसक्रेमभी छोड़ देता. 

घर आके  कैसेभी करके वो  पतंग  जोड़ता, पूंछ लगता,

फिर उडाता. खुस हो जाता था वो. 

आज  इतने साल बाद उसको पतंग जोरने का गाम  नहीं मिलरहा  है! 

बहत साल होगये अब धुनभी भूल गया हूँ ..

~~~ harmonica ~~~

In U
I see parts of me
Parts of me
I cannot see ..

I liked the post by someone.

Ganguly: Do or Die
Sehwag: Do Before U Die
Tendulkar: Don't Die Until U Do
Rahul Dravid: Play Until Bowlers Die!

तुम यदा बात नहीं करते ना ? कमसे कम एह तो बताओ;

एह भीग कैसे जाती है ? पहनके नाहतो हो क्या?

10th  बी, अनन्या महादेवन 

1997  में 10th A  से 10th B में transfer हुई.

आगे से 2nd  row  की even  seat  पे बैठ के पुरे दिन 

paper  सौंज बनती थी.  

पहली break  में पीपल की पेड़ के निचे बैठ कर अपने

yo -yo  के साथ खेलती थी. Lunch  time  पद अकेले बैठ कर, 

दाल रोटी खाती थी. हर class  में जागते हुए स्वप्ना देखा करती थी. 

और sunset  class  में सोते हुए, घोड़े बेच कर! तिन वाजे, छूती होतेही

icecream खरीद कर, अधि खा कड़, अधि कुत्तेको खिला देती थी. 

फिर हर रोज घर जाने से पहले साडेतीनवाली train  को देखते हुए

harmonica  बजाती थी.

में Andy  Remond  10th  B , last  row .

                                           ....मोड़

Last night I dreamt a dream or nightmare, I don't
really know. I was walking to an unknown hill
around a completely unknown valley. It was going
to dark dark slowly, I was loosing my vision.
At one point there was nothing, I lost my vision
completely. I thought, it was a graveyard and I
am dead or going to die. I got a phone call
from my mother. I told her that I am dieing or
in a graveyard. Then suddenly, I got back some vision
as you adjust in darkness. I saw probably that was
a university; thought can't really say as I woke up.

dead or live
will be dead.
waiting for
sleep.

jab bina shyam huye shyam aye
ja bina chahtebhi chah jayein
jab bina man kiyebhi man karein
jab bina shoche bhi shochna pade

ye duniye tab tui chahkebhi kyun bandh na hoye?

थकचूका हूँ में

  बहत थक चूका

एइसे अगर मर पता तो

जिंदगी हो जाती फंना 

दफन हो जाये सब कुछ 

मुझे और जीना नहीं है 

थक गया हूँ में 

हर एक दिन के साथ 

मरते मरते थक चूका हूँ में

बस अब मरना चाहता हूँ में

अब थोडा शोना चाहता हूँ में

Its not September

Not long time back one my friend whom with I almost
share the horrific Birthday; cried over the fact of being born
in September. That person was also going through the
trauma that I suffered and still suffer; the trauma of
being crashed and lost your own dream for which you have
promised to leave everything. I got afraid, thinking about the
fact that might be its the September which is ruining our
all the dreams. But, after many years I felt really happy,
when I got to know that the person actually achieved it,
which I could not. The birth-shake will not be a story now.
I was happy and am happy but could not express how to celebrate
it as nobody will understand the burden that I was carrying.
I'm glad that its not September.

River at night

was passing by the unknown street
saw this ..
reminds me the old good friend whom I lost
it feels like now the stream at night.
It flows in the darkness of night hiding
from everybody, but still flows.
The hope sometimes rises like full moon.
It fasts at the new-moon praying for another full-moon.

It reminds me the smell of the flower which I
used to pick in my school way..

It feels like the childish  dream those are crushed..

It reminds me the innocent smile of mine ..

The nonsense sought or thought that used to
make laugh everybody...
All that gone with wind, sweeping all the
light..

So it flows at night hiding from everybody,
hiding from all the missing links  ...


Afraid

Aye Khuda

Aye Khuda Mujhko bata
Tu Rehta Kahan Kya Tera pata
Hum to yahan pe Musafir hai
Jo Dhundhe Apni Manzil ka Pata

Aye Khuda Mujhko bata
Tu Rehta Kahan Kya Tera pata~pata
Hum to yahan pe Musafir hai
Jo Dhundhe Apni Manzil ka Pata


Yaara Teri Yaad Aati hai
Jaan Meri Jaan Jati hai
Tanhayion mein rehta hoon
Khud Se hi aksar yeh kehta hoon
Lyricsmasti.com
Kyun Tune Dil Toda
Kyun tune yun chhoda
Kyun tera ab bhi rahe dil ko Intezaar
Kyun Chali Aati hai
Kyun Tadpati hai
Kyun Hoon abb bhi mein yun bekaakaar


Aye Khuda Mujhko bata
Tu Rehta Kahan Kya Tera pata
Hum to yahan pe Musafir hai
Jo Dhundhe Apni Manzil ka Pata

Fasle han magar
Phir bhi tu door nahi
Mana ki Hum to hai
Par tu majboor nahi

Har lambah mujhko yeh tadpati
Jaan meri jaan jati
Tanhayion mein rehta hoon
Khud Se hi aksar yeh kehta hoon
Lyricsmasti.com
Kyun Tune Dil Toda
Kyun tune yun chhoda
Kyun tera ab bhi rahe dil ko Intezaar
Kyun Chali Aati hai
Kyun Tadpati hai
Kyun Hoon abb bhi mein yun bekaakaar


Aye Khuda Mujhko bata
Tu Rehta Kahan Kya Tera pata
Hum to yahan pe Musafir hai
Jo Dhundhe Apni Manzil ka Pataa

Yaara Teri Yaad Aati hai
Jaan Meri Jaan Jati hai
Tanhayion mein rehta hoon
Khud Se hi aksar yeh kehta hoon
Lyricsmasti.com
Kyun Tune Dil Toda
Kyun tune yun chhoda
Kyun tera ab bhi rahe dil ko Intezaar
Kyun Chali Aati hai
Kyun Tadpati hai
Kyun Hoon abb bhi mein yun bekaakaar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC4mYk_K0XU&feature=grec_index 

 जब सर्द हवा चलती है तो पुराने जखम ताज़ा हो जाती है

      মানুষ মরে ভূত হই, আর ভূত মরে কি হই?

Just came across this

"इन्द्रधनुष देखना है तो एह बरिश्भी वर्दास्त करनी पड़ेगी"

I went to bed, pray to God and wished for
the last sleep, tear came out. I woke up,
saw my wish is not fulfilled. Hope and
pray this will be last night.

"I believed in belief, for its own shining sake. To believe in the face of utter hopelessness, every article of evidence to the contrary, to ignore apparent catastrophe - what other choice was there? We are so much stronger than we imagine, and belief is one of the most valiant and long-lived human characteristics. To believe, when all along we humans know that nothing can cure the briefness of this life, that there is no remedy for our basic mortality, that is a form of bravery. To continue believing in yourself...believing in whatever I chose to believe in, that was the most important thing."
— Lance Armstrong (It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life)

 This is written by Javed Akhtar. I liked it from  ZMNDB.
 

Jab jab dard ka baadal chaya
Jab ghum ka saya lehraya
Jab aansoo palkon tak aya
Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraya
Humne dil ko yeh samjhaya
Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai
Duniya mein yunhi hota hai
Yeh jo gehre sannate hain
Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain
Thoda ghum hai sabka qissa
Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa
Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai
Har pal ek naya mausam hai
Kyun tu aise pal khota hai

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Came across the poems of "Zindegai naa milegi do bara"
I liked all of them but posting the one written by
Abhijit Chatterjee, the other poem, well need to sink in.

Dilon me tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
Nazar me khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
Hwa ke jhokon ke jaise aazad rehno sekho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise lehron mein behna sekho
Hr ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
Hr ek pal ek nya sama dekhe nigahein
Jo apni ankhon mein hairanian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum
Dilon mein tum apni betabian leke chal rahe ho,to zinda ho tum

I wish, this is my last night. Don't want to face
another day. Someone should listen to my wish.

I was designed to laugh, but destined to cry.
I was designed to love but destined to hate.
I was designed to be loved but destined to be hated.
I was designed to among them but destined to be left alone.
I was designed to be accepted as I am, but destined to be rejected by all.
I was designed to live, but destined to death.

"Ekbar Ramchandra ke payr ek kachhuye pe agay. Tab ub kachhuwa
kuchh nahi bola. Ramchandraji bahut samaoi tak anjane mei us kachhuye
ke upor payr rakh ke khare rahein. Jab pata chala to Ramchandra ne kachhuye se puchha, "Tum ne batay kyun nahi ki mera payr tumme pada hai?"
Kachhuye ne bola" Prabhu, ajj tak jabtak kisine mere upor payr rakkhya,
meine bola "Hey Ram"; ajj sayang Bhagban Ram ne payr rakha to mein kya bolun?"

I was writing, I mean started writting about some
good things in my life. Then it reminds me what once
one of my friend said, " I live in past" and I did not
post those. Yes, it is true, so true as because, there is
nothing I found to smell, or enjoy, the bitter and sour
test has killed my soul. I hate and hate and badly hate
my life now. I wish I could finish it in one shot,
but afraid death can also cheat like life. I never
ever thought that I would hate my life so much.
I wish I will not see sun anymore.

sukhi talab me kankar mar ke
pani ki awaj nahi ati.

Jab bijli gidi thi, tab shirf patte nahi jwale the;
ped bhi jwala tha

struggle and escape

Feeling absolutely lonely and hopeless.
After I reached India, I am hitting the wall
and a vacuum soul is trying to escape from me.
I saw the struggle of my family members. I was
thrown out from a house where we tried to live
for few days. I sent my mother home and found
myself in the sedgy hotel with high fever.
I though it would finish, might be the war was
on the verge of the end; but its not. I still could
not escape. As a human the most frustration
is when that person sees the worst is happening
but could not change the situation. I feel ashamed of
myself as all my prayer go wrong, all my wishes
crash land; may be its all coming from a bad soul.
I don't know, there are times and places where you feel
noting can't be changed. I still didn't escape,
I'm fighting. I end this up with a line
of my friend "if there is no struggle there isn't much left in life :)".

writer's cramp

This is, I think the 7th attack of writer's cramp since 2001.

I know I am restricted to do some works but then my profession
doesn't allow to be restricted. Its like self contradictory
situation. People who go through the constant strain pain
of it will realise how much I suffer through out the day, I can't
even fix my position while sleeping. I am wearing two bands
in my hand and still suffering. Though during last 10 years I got to
know how to live and deal with it. I am not scared, and use to
with the pain. Sometimes I feel this might be a chance to like
Tendulkar and he also suffered with similar pain. My body is
very injury prone. I had to do some exercise, I spend time
in souna, I do meditate. Living one day is a true challenge for me.
When I go to sleep, I pray please stop all the emotional and physical
pain as I am tired of fighting and wait for the next night thinking of
that this will be the last one.

Just listen

एह जिंदगी एक मजाक है!

Actually मै जब एह पड़ा तो मुझे लगा की एह मेरी बात हो रही है. 

एक movie देखा था "दिल तो बच्चा है जी". इस movie में 

तिन लोगों के साथ tragedy होती है. मगर उस तिन आदमी को छोड़ के

दुनियाके सारे लोगों के लिए ओह एक मजाक लगता है. किसी को 

चोट लगता है, या फिर कोई गिर जाते हैं तो हम उसको निकालने 

या उसका देखभाल करने के पहले उसका मजा लेते हैं. और बाद में 

कभी किसी को मजाकिया मिजाज में उस घटना का बर्णनभी करतें हैं.

कभी भूलके भी नहीं सोचते हैं की हमभी उस स्थान पे रह सकते थें. 

आज अचानक मुझे खुदको पूरी दुनिया के सामने एक मजाक लगरहा  है. 

मगर मेंने एक हल निकला; पूरी दुनिए के साथ खुद को भी अपने 

हाल पे हसना चाहिए, क्यूंकि वैसेभी मेरे पास कोई हल तो नहीं है.

Old lost friend

Just called a old friend after two years as
that person got some good news. I heard it from
someone else. I was surprised to know
that I kept distances. But, it was not my choice
everyone lost the contact with me. I loved to
write then as well but I had friends to write.
But in last few years I am going through terrible
pain and when I look around I found none. All
were gone. I always wish my friends when
they has some good reason to smile ignoring
my situation. But I was taken aback that none
realised how bad I could be in that condition.
Anyway, there is nothing that you can do about these
things. This blog is better than some friends
as you don't expect an reply. There are some cells
in my body that still responds to the thoughts,
try to laugh and dream. I try to buried them
but its not always possible. God knows if there
is some expectation within  this blog as well.
Long time back one of my friend made this statement
"admi jak tak mar naa jaye hope nahi chhoda ta". This is
so true as I feel that. I still hope everything will be fine
knowing that its almost impossible.

kalki

I love this girl. I love anurag as well. They are
the pair made in heaven. Since I watched
Dev D, I am big fan of Kalki and Anurag.
I think they are the new spark in Indain cinema.
I want to spend at least a holiday with them.
I am completely mesmerised with them.
They must have done some good works in the past
so that they got this lucky this time.

I want to see "shaitan" and the "girls in the yellow boots".
I liked the promos of the second. Hopefully it will
be great. I always had a dream to be with such creative
people and sharing my thoughts apart from the the
career, goal and politics. But as usual I never had a
choice. But I still hope, I will be lucky enough
to do at least once in this life :).

Zac

Just now heard an interview of Jak, yes I mean him,
Zaheer the true Khan of Indian side. I always admire
him when I saw him beaten by Australian in 03 WC final
or dropped in 05 along with Ganguly. A lot has been spoken
about Gangulay and his return but  he is the another and also
silent worrier I have seen. He is clam and composed and
master of reverse swing. I liked him a lot and became
a fan where Sachin has overshadowed  everyone.
Being it is personal life or cricketing abilities, I realised
and learned a lot from him. In my heart I want to come back
like him and then become flawless. I hope I could
meet him one day. There are heros who join the nation as
heros and there are who comes as one person and then conquer
the millions hear. Here is the recent 'walk the talk with Shekhar Gupta'
interview http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/walk-the-talk-with-zaheer-khan/202303

Is it September?

My friend wrote on skype, "mei tension me hoon".
I got also tensed, I called. I wish I could also write
somebody that "mei achchha nahi hoon; I am not good
and want to die". I wish I could write this to someone.
Anyway, when I called, I got to know that person is facing
a similar situation which I face in the past and I my case
I am still going through the bad results of it. I prayed
to God, that please don't put anyone in my condition.
It feels terrible, a feeling that no medicine can cure
and will be there until my last breath. That time
that person made one statement, "why its so hard for the
people who born on september?". I told that I know one
exception, but thats only one. I also time to time feel
may be I did some terribly bad stuff in the past, so I
lost everything, now  when I want to lose the remaining,
its again not going anywhere. No one should born on September.

I wish I will meet him

Yes, I'm still alive though want to quite. Yesterday,
I was walking restlessly as I often do now. I saw people
are laughing, enjoying the weekend, some people were
performing and so so on. I was hungry, tired and lost
my mind, feeling terribly lonely and didn't know what
to do. In the same time I saw a man, standing on his
one leg begging. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and
some feeling that I cannot express. I avoid the person
as I was to ashamed giving some coin to another Indian

when both of us are in a foreign country. Later I realize
I should have helped him. It doesn't matter how I feel or
he feels at the moment but the only thing that matters
is the help. I wish and hope to see him again, then surely
I will talk to him. 

Life, destiny and its journey

From the air-port. If someone doesn't have the
will to live, still that someone carries hope.
Hope of fulfilling the dreams, the wishes, the
promise and so on. I think this is called life;
its hope against hope, from receiving end to
the giving end or vice-versa. I think myself
as a sailor who lost the was and just praying
to God to get back the directing. Very often
his face is dejected in frustration and desperation
in trying to get it. The sailor has an angel by the name
of his mother who constantly asking him to pray
to God. This is only drive in his journey.
Inside he always feels empty. He wants to laugh,
cry, dance and do everything which an normal
human would do. But to do all that, he has to get
to his destiny. Pray for the sailor and for me
to achieve the lost dream! 

Hariye jawa bandhu

ager bar ek bandhu je sabtheke priyochhilo
take ekta mail likheberiyechhilam. seta sei
bolehchilo likhte. tarpor somehow take hariyechhi.
jantrana hoito jabar naah. se thakle hoito take
kono chhithi likhtam. sabai amake anek uchhal bhabe,
bhabe ami kato katha bali.kintu aaj ami ekdom chup
tai bodhhoi acting ta beshi hoyejai.
ami etar ekta end chai. ar ei blog ebhabe
phire aste chai naah.

কোনো একদিন হইতোবা দেখা হবে কোনো খানে কোনো ক্ষণে

এটা পল্লব'দার লেখা একটা mail. আমরা সবাই এক হয়েছিলাম আজ. তারপর অনেকেই হইত

আলাদা আলাদা হবে শীঘ্র , জানিনা আবর কবে কোথায় দেখা হবে. সুধু আশা এই নিয়েই আজ বিদায়.

নিচে লেখাটা পোস্ট করলাম. 

*******************************************************

আশা করি আবার আমরা একজোট হওয়ার সুযোগ পাব,
আড্ডাও এরম জমবে ::

চায় আর নিমকিতে,
অভিজিৎ, প্রিয়তোষ !
যাদুকর দুইমাথা,
মনে দিল সন্তোষ !

প্রিয়তোষ বকে যায়
অভিজিৎ চুপচাপ,
কথাকলি পল্লব,
মাঝেসাঝে খোলে খাপ ।

এক নয়, দুই নয়,
চার চার ঘন্টা,
ঝপ করে গেল কেটে,
এরে কয় আড্ডা ।

disclaimer: আমি ফেরার পথে এক বোতল sejo খেয়ে ফিরেছি ।

পল্লব

Suicide

She committed suicide yesterday. I was taken aback when I heard this.
Also I felt bad for myself. Forget what and how the incident happened;
but she could take one decision and act upon it. I couldn't even done that.
I don't know if I am coward or not but there is one responsibility on me
which sometimes block the way of quitting. I like natural death as then
it wouldn't be suspicious anymore. In case of suicide people get a topic to
gossip about and then sympathise the person about whom then didn't
even care to ask about before death. In that case I feel committing suicide
is not bad, because its the time when you feel tired like me and do not have
diesel in your tank to proceed further, all the bitterness captures your soul,
you feel cold like Siberia.   In this circumstances I can feel how one
feels; so I feel it justified to be free like having no other choice. Its very easy
to say that she has done it wrong but when you can not help her out, you
do not have the right to say so.

The red lipstick will not be there anymore

Yesterday, I went to the office to submit one of the invitation
letter for my upcoming visit, I met her, she smiled as usual.
I saw her red lipstick as usual, the tread mark one; by which me
as prava used to recognise her. I came back to office. It was
just another boring usual day with an week end Friday. I went
for a endless walk to forget the grief I am facing these days.
I walked about 12 km with one of my friend here. I tried to sleep
but as usual today also I could not sleep after trying for an hour.
I tried meditating then went to the office around 3:30 am, decide to
finish a long time pending stuff. When I finished this, it was 7 am in the morning.
I went to the terras with my coffee. I came back, spent some time
watching some nonsense hindi movie and then got fed up and decided to finsih
another work. I was too tired, while walking I found my head was spinning.
I thought of going to the bed. I slept when it was 9 am. I woke up
around 6 skipping breakfast, lunch. Thats the time I checked the mail
and got the news as somebody died yesterday. I did not believe it was that lady.
But at night I got to know it was her. I wonder why not me. I am
not doing anything here, I am not so needful to anybody's life. I didn't reach
my goals, I lost too many and more than anything else I am tired and not
enjoying it anymore. It would have a relief for me if I was dead in stead of her.
I remember she was most helpful lady in the office always facing the troubles
with her big smile with red lipsticks. Tomorrow when we go there the chair will be
empty; another loss to my list. If there is a GOD, I want to says, its too many.
Just finish it off. I can't take it anymore.

lahrein kabhi ulti nahi bahti

Just heard the line "lahrein kabhi ulti nahi bahti".
Its so true in general. As if the practical predictability
of any incident and its consequence. It does not turn. But
then it reminds me a an incident when it can go other way;
Tsunami, yes, if it has to to turn around, it has to be like that.
The bitter truth is that you don't have control over it.

I got a nice pic in flicker and thought of sharing the link
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cathode_memoir/1688355193/

Nobody

Someone, a old friend whom I used to write
letters, probably could not enjoy those, asked to
stop. I asked whom to write then, the answer was
to none! Thats when I felt its the none I am talking to.
If you are talking to none, then you are also none!
But yesterday when I cut my face, the blood came out;
it was paining and I could listen that somebody complained;
was asking me not to do that. It was my body, it speaks to
me when I hurt him. I know one day he will also leave me
completely. I am stuck to this body or this body stuck to me.
I write these to nobody as I am a nobody. Long time back
at IITB someone told me 'nothing is personal'. I differ here
for nobody everything is personal. I count each day now.
Probably, I am waiting to stop this nobody and be bodyless :D
as I don't want to be so personal. 

That person

I woke early with less sleep as usual.
I got into the subway and reached. Then
I sat in the footpath before meeting that person.
I was tired, thirsty and sad. While having
some drink, suddenly I felt my tears are
irresistible; I got up and started walking.
I knew the place and also the landmark
but after a while I realized I was lost.
I tried to find out the way to the place
and so was looking for the landmark.
But nothing was in my sight. I was just walking
feeling very tired in the Sun. I felt someone is
not willing that I would meet the person.
I felt restless. After about a hour I finally found a place
from where I wanted to get something to show
that person. But that stall wasn't there that day.
I felt like crying. I decided to go without anything.
I went there and found a new stall but again did
not find that. I finally came to the place to meet that
person. I closed my eyes, I sat down. I don't know
if that person came or not. I left that place.
I was very sick by that time, I wanted to have some
water, but there was no water with me. I could have
bought but I was too tired to looking for that.
In the road I suddenly saw a person rolling on his
chest with a emty tray. I crossed him ignoring him
as I was sad. But after crossing him, I turned back
and gave him 1000 won which could have gave me
some water. I could have given him more but I was
still thinking about my own wish not being fulfilled.
I came back. After one day I am feeling may be that person
came to me but I didn't recognise.

...

Tomorrow going to meet which I want to
but did not discovered in last one year.
I hope I could see that which I want to.

Faith

Faith is all about how your sub-conscious mind attracts all positive energy towards itself..

When PB met PB

I met PB after 3-4 years! Last time when I met
PB, I was another PB, the proud one and felt happy.
I spend almost most exciting research time
of mine. I had a dream and no boundary. Little
bit practical and fully imaginative and dreamy.
I was proud to be that. Today when I saw PB
I felt happy and that PB hadn't changed much
but I felt bad at the same time as this PB lost
his imagination and dreamy look. This PB
is an ugly side of a living body and burning soul.
I wish if there is a third meeting it should either
like the first one or there should not be any meeting.

Death

There are more days when I feel dead, want to be dead
than to be lived. The meaning of living took lots of turns
during the journey and now it feels tired. I wait for the drop
of death like a thirsty crow or a thirsty man in the desert, as
I lost the meaning of living. I searched in wiki about it
and it says
""Death is the termination of the biological functions that sustain a living organism.

I  don't know how much of it is correct. As I don't feel alive.
I work to forget that I am dead. Its a postion of the achemist
before reaching the goal. The only difference is that they had hope
which I don't.  Being desperate for anything doesn't always mean
that we reach that! I feel like a alchemist who believed in destiny :D.
I know some of my friends will laugh at me  hearing this but this
the feeling I am having.

Dhobi Ghat

After a long time I saw a very nice story telling,

the "Dhobi Ghat". I like the last scene where munna

ran after shai's car and gave her arun's adress.

Among all the character I like those "hkat"s

Pahli chhitthi, dusri chitthi, tisri chitthi and the

akhri one! I don't know, I sometimes feel like of

her, think of quitting. Anyhow the journey 

was portrayed in a nice and simple fashion.

I hope Kiran Rao will come up with some 

more pages of her diary.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1433810/