Its the moment before something, is life

It has been a long, I came here to write. I was visiting my old friends
in Seoul, "the city of Joy" in my definition. I tried to meet all my missing links
there; and the last night I spent in Sinchon for a dinner with a dear friend of
mine. The guy whom I met for the first time was very nervous in his own life.
He was very confused, nervous and afraid. I just said "its the moment, that is important". I think, I heard this line somewhere, may be in some advertisement.
But, what I wanted to said, that life in its own definition, is only the moment in
your life before something happens; before you full fill your dream, achieve your success or get someone back in your life that you always wanted. The next things he said was "and your moment is so long". I laughed and said "yes, its been  long and yet not done". To me, I always wanted to achieve my dream
and used to think of leaving the dream. In my eyes, I used to think, Tendulkar
who was and still is living his dream. That was when, I used to lose all my dream, one by one. I remember once my mother told me that, look at Drvid, he
has got his name in a different way but still got there. She advice me to enjoy
different modes of challenges in life.   But I was not prepare for it, I wanted success badly and I was becoming chokers all the time. It continued until,
I lost all my dream, people and friends around me. The void was huge and it
still is. One thing I start realising off late, was the moment is life, the moment before anything happen. Its the void, the chase, the struggle, the emptiness,
that is life. Yes, for me its the long moment is my life. I try to enjoy as much as
I can. Its true and no hiding, I feel extremely lonely, frustrated and sometimes
I feel like quiting. Then, I tell myself, its okay to be frustrated as you are human,
but the given the situation you don't have a choice rather than fight and chase.
So, each single day I  pray and wish, that I will achieve things I want to and come with a broken heart at night. I still go on as its the moment that is life.

Mid night dream

Generation grows
 and I see them growing,
the wind blows
with the smell of spring,
 destiny of mankind follows his own foot step.


I behold my dream stronger,
stronger than ever.

I see you much brighter than before.

Every day and night says and ask me what
I thought would be much difficult.

I smell the meaning of conviction, love,
joy, humanity as generation grows.

I saw a father in lap of his daughter
with the mid night sun on earth.

then I feel, you just like a dream to me ...
the dream which I still dream of.

with the waves of sea, I wish  for my dream..

फिर बिछरे सब बरी बरी,

"तनहा दिल तनहा सफ़र"  

कुछ तुम बदलो, कुछ हम बदलें,
कुछ दूरतो साथ चलके देखें!

जीना इतना मुश्किल क्यूँ है?
क्या मरना आसान है?

Stop your emotions, hold your breath,
put head high, wake up, do the job first.


...... Remembering ZK at 03 then 11.

Sometimes you just need to pick
your self up,
and carry on. 

At times I could see me in Sunny  or Sunny in me.
I really really liked that someone has the same reactions
to the life. I am worried also as when I see myself fading away very fast
strugglin. I worry for Sunny but pray she stays the way she is
singing the life Sunny's way. 

I dreamt of

I don't regret if I die today.
Sometimes I am sad and excited.
I had a good life, specially times where
I was excited the life inside me always
carried me from everything. Yesterday
I dreamt a dream then I was laughing
at 1.26 am. I woke up I look at myself
I have lost my self. I don't react to anything
thats why I was reacting in the dream. Life is
all about reaction, if you are dead mentally there
is no point carrying it for nothing. Now
I live for the sake of living or and for somebody else
or some duty to full fill. But its not live it just carrying yourself
like a bag of sand. I tried my best and prayed but times I feel like
hitting a stone and bleeding all the way. I am losing all the way, no one
to listen with no one I can talk. I dreamt of and then I am dead.  

तू जो देख रहा है ओह तेरा नजरिया है,
अगर उसके अन्दर पाप नहीं तो तेरे अन्दर पाप कैसे?

तू जो देख रहा है ओह खुदाही तो है
ओह खुदाही तो है जो तू देख रहा है. 

Meeting an old friend

Woke up from Bed, forgetting the sorrow for
retirement of Rahul Dravid, tried some meditation.
I open my gmail ac. I got my 10 years long friend.
It feels awesome. Lots of memory during IIT days.
Those days I used to become hero often solving
some assignment :D:D , I was life-blind. After 10 years
I am still solving the assignments but no one calls me
Hero :D; but if I can then could be hero again
at least to my old friends and that's only matter to me.
Their faith and love for me is the drive for 10 years
long and still going one struggle.

मेरी आँखे शोती है,
मगर दिल हमेशा जगता है.

bhalo theko

I told this joking to one of my non-bong frnd in 2007.
Just read the mail again after long time :)
-----
bhalo theko gachh
shishire kachh
bhalo theko mon
saradinkhon
bhalo theko math
bhalo theo jol
bhalo theko desh amar kabita shesh

jindegi

जिन्दगी पहली स्वशसे शुरू होती है,
और आखरी स्वाशपे ख़तम.
न आगे कुछ था ना बदमि कुछ है.

सच कंहुतो में चिसोंको दुरसेही देखना पसंद करता हूँ,
जंहासे चिसको मिलते हुए नजर आतें हैं.

दूरसे जमीन और असमान मिलते हुए नज़र
पर हकीकत कुछ और होती है. 

Conviction and me

When I was a kid, I had a conviction and I still
have the same conviction. The surprising
thing is that in these odd years, I didn't experience
much success so that the believe would be stronger.
Funny thing is that, being in academics, I always failed
to get someone I could follow or get the direct interaction-inspiration.
More often such so called heroes in our life rejected me in there
own ways. Unlike Hindi movie I never wanted to prove them
wrong, instead I went down in deep depression but the conviction
never dies. I wonder why? I searched in myself and found an answer
that was there known to me but now more strongly.
Actually the heroes in my case are no longer any scientist or academician
or friend of mine. Its a game which is more than life to me
its cricket and the persons who make it larger than life. Secondly
I found some realistic actor and film maker of independent cinema.
Hearing the news of Yuvi's cancer I was shocked and went to pray
for him as if he can't win this match then I also can't. The conviction
actually is going parallel to these people whom I never met
and interact and probably will never. Ironically I never had a chance
to watch a single match live in a ground. But I sometimes feel like
Ekalabya of Mahabharata.   When I see the interviews of Anurag,
Vikram, kalki, Ranbir, Abhay, I feel the same conviction still alive
in me. I feel alone, no body to share what is my conviction as I lost
all my friends in course of life. Apparently the conviction became also
alone, very lonely. I got more attached to the characters I never met. The conviction still goes on  alive.

Perfectionist होना कोई गुनाह नहीं है.

अपनी दिलकी सुननाभी गुनाह नहीं है.

एक हद तक किसीको नुकसान ना पहुचाके पागल होनाभी गुनाह नहीं है. 

league से हटके चल्नाभी गुनाह नहीं है.

Sorry

The day I wake up, wake up from bed, from the memory,
from all of my past-self; I will be free.
Someday I will be free from this body also, may be I will
get a voice to tell me story to none. The supersonic
waves will record my story. I felt sorry down the line in
my life, I hurt people asking them to be by my side.
I never thought that I was that much selfish. All I did
for them was due to an expectation of acknowledgement.
Was I fool or was not ready to accept that I was selfish.
Today when I realise that wanted to say all of them
that you are all set free my expectation. During the years
all that baggage that I was carrying or rather trying to  impose
on them are free from now. The day I realise and felt truly
sorry. You remember in ZMND, Imraan told his bio-logical
father not to say sorry if he does not feel so from his heart.
So this time I truly felt that and so I am saying 'sorry' to
all of whom I wanted in my life for myself. 

The river might not be as tall as the mountain, but with the time it can smoothly flow through it.

Watched beautiful movie after a long time.

In those  pages, there is no limit,
where you can go, who can be.

रिश्तोंसे कभी इतनी जल्दी बिस्वास खोना नहीं चाहिए,

एह बिस्वशितो रिश्तोंकी बुनियाद होती हैं.

एह  रिश्तें कुछ वैसेही होते हैं,

कुछ फलते फूलते हैं, कुछ मुरझा जातें हैं. 

कुत्ते भी रोते है !

When I feel very lonely, I cry as everybody cry but now
I feel tired. I found out a trick to stop this. जब में  रोना
शुरू  करता  हूँ  में  खुदको बोलता हूँ "अबे  कुत्ते  क्यूँ रो रहा है?" It works
magically. क्यूँ  की रस्ते के कुत्तेओ को कोई option नहीं होता है. But then
suddenly it reminds me of "moni" and moti". The two friends
in our childhood days, who also cried with us in various
occasions, they were born as dogs; but used to cry like
human. I don't know if they are alive or not but I feel
crying for them as we left us being so called "human".

 

Another one :(! baaaajuuuuuu

I want to meet her oneday if I'm alive. Just listen this agin.

देख रहेहो नदीके इश दो पाडको?
बर्षोसे साथ साथ अलग अलग
चलते आ रही है, कभी मिल्नाही पाए!
मगर देखो  इन्शानको, उसने bridge बानादिया,
और बर्षोंका ख्वाविश पूरी होगई!