Suicide

She committed suicide yesterday. I was taken aback when I heard this.
Also I felt bad for myself. Forget what and how the incident happened;
but she could take one decision and act upon it. I couldn't even done that.
I don't know if I am coward or not but there is one responsibility on me
which sometimes block the way of quitting. I like natural death as then
it wouldn't be suspicious anymore. In case of suicide people get a topic to
gossip about and then sympathise the person about whom then didn't
even care to ask about before death. In that case I feel committing suicide
is not bad, because its the time when you feel tired like me and do not have
diesel in your tank to proceed further, all the bitterness captures your soul,
you feel cold like Siberia.   In this circumstances I can feel how one
feels; so I feel it justified to be free like having no other choice. Its very easy
to say that she has done it wrong but when you can not help her out, you
do not have the right to say so.

The red lipstick will not be there anymore

Yesterday, I went to the office to submit one of the invitation
letter for my upcoming visit, I met her, she smiled as usual.
I saw her red lipstick as usual, the tread mark one; by which me
as prava used to recognise her. I came back to office. It was
just another boring usual day with an week end Friday. I went
for a endless walk to forget the grief I am facing these days.
I walked about 12 km with one of my friend here. I tried to sleep
but as usual today also I could not sleep after trying for an hour.
I tried meditating then went to the office around 3:30 am, decide to
finish a long time pending stuff. When I finished this, it was 7 am in the morning.
I went to the terras with my coffee. I came back, spent some time
watching some nonsense hindi movie and then got fed up and decided to finsih
another work. I was too tired, while walking I found my head was spinning.
I thought of going to the bed. I slept when it was 9 am. I woke up
around 6 skipping breakfast, lunch. Thats the time I checked the mail
and got the news as somebody died yesterday. I did not believe it was that lady.
But at night I got to know it was her. I wonder why not me. I am
not doing anything here, I am not so needful to anybody's life. I didn't reach
my goals, I lost too many and more than anything else I am tired and not
enjoying it anymore. It would have a relief for me if I was dead in stead of her.
I remember she was most helpful lady in the office always facing the troubles
with her big smile with red lipsticks. Tomorrow when we go there the chair will be
empty; another loss to my list. If there is a GOD, I want to says, its too many.
Just finish it off. I can't take it anymore.

lahrein kabhi ulti nahi bahti

Just heard the line "lahrein kabhi ulti nahi bahti".
Its so true in general. As if the practical predictability
of any incident and its consequence. It does not turn. But
then it reminds me a an incident when it can go other way;
Tsunami, yes, if it has to to turn around, it has to be like that.
The bitter truth is that you don't have control over it.

I got a nice pic in flicker and thought of sharing the link
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cathode_memoir/1688355193/

Nobody

Someone, a old friend whom I used to write
letters, probably could not enjoy those, asked to
stop. I asked whom to write then, the answer was
to none! Thats when I felt its the none I am talking to.
If you are talking to none, then you are also none!
But yesterday when I cut my face, the blood came out;
it was paining and I could listen that somebody complained;
was asking me not to do that. It was my body, it speaks to
me when I hurt him. I know one day he will also leave me
completely. I am stuck to this body or this body stuck to me.
I write these to nobody as I am a nobody. Long time back
at IITB someone told me 'nothing is personal'. I differ here
for nobody everything is personal. I count each day now.
Probably, I am waiting to stop this nobody and be bodyless :D
as I don't want to be so personal. 

That person

I woke early with less sleep as usual.
I got into the subway and reached. Then
I sat in the footpath before meeting that person.
I was tired, thirsty and sad. While having
some drink, suddenly I felt my tears are
irresistible; I got up and started walking.
I knew the place and also the landmark
but after a while I realized I was lost.
I tried to find out the way to the place
and so was looking for the landmark.
But nothing was in my sight. I was just walking
feeling very tired in the Sun. I felt someone is
not willing that I would meet the person.
I felt restless. After about a hour I finally found a place
from where I wanted to get something to show
that person. But that stall wasn't there that day.
I felt like crying. I decided to go without anything.
I went there and found a new stall but again did
not find that. I finally came to the place to meet that
person. I closed my eyes, I sat down. I don't know
if that person came or not. I left that place.
I was very sick by that time, I wanted to have some
water, but there was no water with me. I could have
bought but I was too tired to looking for that.
In the road I suddenly saw a person rolling on his
chest with a emty tray. I crossed him ignoring him
as I was sad. But after crossing him, I turned back
and gave him 1000 won which could have gave me
some water. I could have given him more but I was
still thinking about my own wish not being fulfilled.
I came back. After one day I am feeling may be that person
came to me but I didn't recognise.

...

Tomorrow going to meet which I want to
but did not discovered in last one year.
I hope I could see that which I want to.

Faith

Faith is all about how your sub-conscious mind attracts all positive energy towards itself..

When PB met PB

I met PB after 3-4 years! Last time when I met
PB, I was another PB, the proud one and felt happy.
I spend almost most exciting research time
of mine. I had a dream and no boundary. Little
bit practical and fully imaginative and dreamy.
I was proud to be that. Today when I saw PB
I felt happy and that PB hadn't changed much
but I felt bad at the same time as this PB lost
his imagination and dreamy look. This PB
is an ugly side of a living body and burning soul.
I wish if there is a third meeting it should either
like the first one or there should not be any meeting.

Death

There are more days when I feel dead, want to be dead
than to be lived. The meaning of living took lots of turns
during the journey and now it feels tired. I wait for the drop
of death like a thirsty crow or a thirsty man in the desert, as
I lost the meaning of living. I searched in wiki about it
and it says
""Death is the termination of the biological functions that sustain a living organism.

I  don't know how much of it is correct. As I don't feel alive.
I work to forget that I am dead. Its a postion of the achemist
before reaching the goal. The only difference is that they had hope
which I don't.  Being desperate for anything doesn't always mean
that we reach that! I feel like a alchemist who believed in destiny :D.
I know some of my friends will laugh at me  hearing this but this
the feeling I am having.