struggle and escape

Feeling absolutely lonely and hopeless.
After I reached India, I am hitting the wall
and a vacuum soul is trying to escape from me.
I saw the struggle of my family members. I was
thrown out from a house where we tried to live
for few days. I sent my mother home and found
myself in the sedgy hotel with high fever.
I though it would finish, might be the war was
on the verge of the end; but its not. I still could
not escape. As a human the most frustration
is when that person sees the worst is happening
but could not change the situation. I feel ashamed of
myself as all my prayer go wrong, all my wishes
crash land; may be its all coming from a bad soul.
I don't know, there are times and places where you feel
noting can't be changed. I still didn't escape,
I'm fighting. I end this up with a line
of my friend "if there is no struggle there isn't much left in life :)".

writer's cramp

This is, I think the 7th attack of writer's cramp since 2001.

I know I am restricted to do some works but then my profession
doesn't allow to be restricted. Its like self contradictory
situation. People who go through the constant strain pain
of it will realise how much I suffer through out the day, I can't
even fix my position while sleeping. I am wearing two bands
in my hand and still suffering. Though during last 10 years I got to
know how to live and deal with it. I am not scared, and use to
with the pain. Sometimes I feel this might be a chance to like
Tendulkar and he also suffered with similar pain. My body is
very injury prone. I had to do some exercise, I spend time
in souna, I do meditate. Living one day is a true challenge for me.
When I go to sleep, I pray please stop all the emotional and physical
pain as I am tired of fighting and wait for the next night thinking of
that this will be the last one.

Just listen

एह जिंदगी एक मजाक है!

Actually मै जब एह पड़ा तो मुझे लगा की एह मेरी बात हो रही है. 

एक movie देखा था "दिल तो बच्चा है जी". इस movie में 

तिन लोगों के साथ tragedy होती है. मगर उस तिन आदमी को छोड़ के

दुनियाके सारे लोगों के लिए ओह एक मजाक लगता है. किसी को 

चोट लगता है, या फिर कोई गिर जाते हैं तो हम उसको निकालने 

या उसका देखभाल करने के पहले उसका मजा लेते हैं. और बाद में 

कभी किसी को मजाकिया मिजाज में उस घटना का बर्णनभी करतें हैं.

कभी भूलके भी नहीं सोचते हैं की हमभी उस स्थान पे रह सकते थें. 

आज अचानक मुझे खुदको पूरी दुनिया के सामने एक मजाक लगरहा  है. 

मगर मेंने एक हल निकला; पूरी दुनिए के साथ खुद को भी अपने 

हाल पे हसना चाहिए, क्यूंकि वैसेभी मेरे पास कोई हल तो नहीं है.

Old lost friend

Just called a old friend after two years as
that person got some good news. I heard it from
someone else. I was surprised to know
that I kept distances. But, it was not my choice
everyone lost the contact with me. I loved to
write then as well but I had friends to write.
But in last few years I am going through terrible
pain and when I look around I found none. All
were gone. I always wish my friends when
they has some good reason to smile ignoring
my situation. But I was taken aback that none
realised how bad I could be in that condition.
Anyway, there is nothing that you can do about these
things. This blog is better than some friends
as you don't expect an reply. There are some cells
in my body that still responds to the thoughts,
try to laugh and dream. I try to buried them
but its not always possible. God knows if there
is some expectation within  this blog as well.
Long time back one of my friend made this statement
"admi jak tak mar naa jaye hope nahi chhoda ta". This is
so true as I feel that. I still hope everything will be fine
knowing that its almost impossible.

kalki

I love this girl. I love anurag as well. They are
the pair made in heaven. Since I watched
Dev D, I am big fan of Kalki and Anurag.
I think they are the new spark in Indain cinema.
I want to spend at least a holiday with them.
I am completely mesmerised with them.
They must have done some good works in the past
so that they got this lucky this time.

I want to see "shaitan" and the "girls in the yellow boots".
I liked the promos of the second. Hopefully it will
be great. I always had a dream to be with such creative
people and sharing my thoughts apart from the the
career, goal and politics. But as usual I never had a
choice. But I still hope, I will be lucky enough
to do at least once in this life :).

Zac

Just now heard an interview of Jak, yes I mean him,
Zaheer the true Khan of Indian side. I always admire
him when I saw him beaten by Australian in 03 WC final
or dropped in 05 along with Ganguly. A lot has been spoken
about Gangulay and his return but  he is the another and also
silent worrier I have seen. He is clam and composed and
master of reverse swing. I liked him a lot and became
a fan where Sachin has overshadowed  everyone.
Being it is personal life or cricketing abilities, I realised
and learned a lot from him. In my heart I want to come back
like him and then become flawless. I hope I could
meet him one day. There are heros who join the nation as
heros and there are who comes as one person and then conquer
the millions hear. Here is the recent 'walk the talk with Shekhar Gupta'
interview http://www.ndtv.com/video/player/news/walk-the-talk-with-zaheer-khan/202303

Is it September?

My friend wrote on skype, "mei tension me hoon".
I got also tensed, I called. I wish I could also write
somebody that "mei achchha nahi hoon; I am not good
and want to die". I wish I could write this to someone.
Anyway, when I called, I got to know that person is facing
a similar situation which I face in the past and I my case
I am still going through the bad results of it. I prayed
to God, that please don't put anyone in my condition.
It feels terrible, a feeling that no medicine can cure
and will be there until my last breath. That time
that person made one statement, "why its so hard for the
people who born on september?". I told that I know one
exception, but thats only one. I also time to time feel
may be I did some terribly bad stuff in the past, so I
lost everything, now  when I want to lose the remaining,
its again not going anywhere. No one should born on September.

I wish I will meet him

Yes, I'm still alive though want to quite. Yesterday,
I was walking restlessly as I often do now. I saw people
are laughing, enjoying the weekend, some people were
performing and so so on. I was hungry, tired and lost
my mind, feeling terribly lonely and didn't know what
to do. In the same time I saw a man, standing on his
one leg begging. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and
some feeling that I cannot express. I avoid the person
as I was to ashamed giving some coin to another Indian

when both of us are in a foreign country. Later I realize
I should have helped him. It doesn't matter how I feel or
he feels at the moment but the only thing that matters
is the help. I wish and hope to see him again, then surely
I will talk to him. 

Life, destiny and its journey

From the air-port. If someone doesn't have the
will to live, still that someone carries hope.
Hope of fulfilling the dreams, the wishes, the
promise and so on. I think this is called life;
its hope against hope, from receiving end to
the giving end or vice-versa. I think myself
as a sailor who lost the was and just praying
to God to get back the directing. Very often
his face is dejected in frustration and desperation
in trying to get it. The sailor has an angel by the name
of his mother who constantly asking him to pray
to God. This is only drive in his journey.
Inside he always feels empty. He wants to laugh,
cry, dance and do everything which an normal
human would do. But to do all that, he has to get
to his destiny. Pray for the sailor and for me
to achieve the lost dream! 

Hariye jawa bandhu

ager bar ek bandhu je sabtheke priyochhilo
take ekta mail likheberiyechhilam. seta sei
bolehchilo likhte. tarpor somehow take hariyechhi.
jantrana hoito jabar naah. se thakle hoito take
kono chhithi likhtam. sabai amake anek uchhal bhabe,
bhabe ami kato katha bali.kintu aaj ami ekdom chup
tai bodhhoi acting ta beshi hoyejai.
ami etar ekta end chai. ar ei blog ebhabe
phire aste chai naah.

কোনো একদিন হইতোবা দেখা হবে কোনো খানে কোনো ক্ষণে

এটা পল্লব'দার লেখা একটা mail. আমরা সবাই এক হয়েছিলাম আজ. তারপর অনেকেই হইত

আলাদা আলাদা হবে শীঘ্র , জানিনা আবর কবে কোথায় দেখা হবে. সুধু আশা এই নিয়েই আজ বিদায়.

নিচে লেখাটা পোস্ট করলাম. 

*******************************************************

আশা করি আবার আমরা একজোট হওয়ার সুযোগ পাব,
আড্ডাও এরম জমবে ::

চায় আর নিমকিতে,
অভিজিৎ, প্রিয়তোষ !
যাদুকর দুইমাথা,
মনে দিল সন্তোষ !

প্রিয়তোষ বকে যায়
অভিজিৎ চুপচাপ,
কথাকলি পল্লব,
মাঝেসাঝে খোলে খাপ ।

এক নয়, দুই নয়,
চার চার ঘন্টা,
ঝপ করে গেল কেটে,
এরে কয় আড্ডা ।

disclaimer: আমি ফেরার পথে এক বোতল sejo খেয়ে ফিরেছি ।

পল্লব